FancyMancy
Well-known member
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2017
- Messages
- 6,791
- Feb 18, 2022
- #92
Meteor said:
FancyMancy said:
your Guardian told you to not tell anyone, (because...?)
It's obvious if you consider all the consequences opening up about it had. For example, at this rate I most likely won't make a new account, but rather, I'll grow distant from this community; because if things go the way I expect (and I expect them to), then many of people's reactions will seem very overblown to me in hindsight, especially when the things they emphasised with words like "truth" would be in direct contradiction with the reality I perceive with my own senses by then. And aside from how it would affect me, several SS already feel like they wasted their time replying to me, and talking about this topic has generally been disruptive and unpleasant for everyone involved. Some of the SS who read my posts were so bothered by it on an emotional level, that it made them unable to focus on other things, or made them want to curse me (in other words, it caused in-fighting, which is a further waste of time and energy). That is the extent of the damage I caused by opening up about it, and all of this could've been prevented if I had simply followed my Guardian's advice; therefore, I think the advice itself makes a lot of sense, and in hindsight, I regret not following it.
It's a kick in the teeth, but you can - if you choose to - learn from it. There's no need to run away and hide. You said I'm your favourite, and you're leaving me?! Don't make me cry, Meteor! You better stay... or... erm... else... You don't want me to cry, do you?!
In another thread, Jack was arguing that people with intersex conditions should be killed, and there were other SS who did not disagree with this, but rather, agreed that "eugenics" are good, which is the word Jack used to describe killing people with intersex conditions.
Lol - you're gunna listen to Jack the Lad? Lol. Sorry, Meteor, but come on! I think it's the same thread I mentioned about not being able to be borne; thus, not having any chances to advance, improve, heal, etc. Ignore Jack.
So I thought: "Oh. My family wants to kill me. That's not good." I got upset and tried to set boundaries, like "Hey, don't kill people just for being intersex. I want to live!" Some also mentioned they want sex change surgeries to be banned. So I thought: "Oh. My family wants to prevent me from doing something that feels important to me. That's not good."
Like, come on. A troll and someone else agreeing about something is not the entire family's stance on things. There are always black sheep in families... (If they are a part of the family; otherwise, they might just be those 'aunts' and 'uncles' who actually are just 'friends' of the family, not actually part of the family.)
Already being upset about the discrimination/threats against intersex people, I decided in that moment: "There is no point in considering them my family if they would want to sabotage and kill me if they knew the truth about me, so I'm going to be honest with them in order to find out if I even belong here in the first place." So, given that it slipped my mind that I was urged not to bring it up, I brought it up anyway, and learned that some SS really do want to sabotage and/or kill me, thus: "I shouldn't trust other SS as though they are my family, just as someone who was threatened by biological family members should similarly keep their distance." Perhaps my Guardian wanted to prevent such a situation, but on the other hand, I always found it unpleasant to be secretive, so maybe I had to learn the hard way just how important it is, in this manner.
See AlsoOne Thousand and One Things I'd Like To See In a FicNew PEPC Project ID: 60882, DocumentID: 71886 Correspondence: 1 · 2016. 9. 27. · PEPC Project ID: 60882, DocumentID: 71886 ... The NPS is out of our league. ... grants management, - [PDF Document]Ambition untamed - [PDF Document]This Side of Paradise, by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Some people must learn the hard way; there is no other way for them to learn - but now you want to run away and hide, because you are refusing to learn the (only?) way in which you can learn? Nope. If we were in a Physical location-- well, if we were in a Physical location, like a temple, certain... people wouldn't be as brave as to troll there, like they do online... but if we were in a temple and you told me you wanted to leave, I'd not let you. (Of course, I wouldn't refuse to let you go, but I'd resist your leaving.) Regrettably, that can't be done online. A small number of dolts make you want to go away? Then you need to rise above that sh*t, and be proud.
Prior to the drama on the forums, I was seriously considering opening up to my real life friends about this, but I decided against it after experiencing just how controversial of a topic it really is. Whereas I can say that I lost nothing of value in losing my trust in other SS, since that trust was misconceived to begin with in the false belief that being a dedicated Satanist would be reason enough for other SS not to want to sabotage or kill me, my real life friends are also my fiancé's real life friends, and finding out whether they would be okay with this isn't worth being the reason why my fiancé loses his friends.
Perhaps meditations you have done will be helping you to realise if these friends are proper friends or not. Once your vibration increases, and your friends' continue to not, then that might separate you anyway. Not that it should be bad or sh*t because you're arrogant and above them and they're beneath your consideration, but simply because of your... evolution, you might say, as improving to better dimensions, while they unfortunately aren't. While what I just said is not quite your point, as for directly regarding 'coming out' to your friends... that's a tricky one. I don't think you're asking for advice in that, but I wouldn't want to say anything anyway.
Most likely, I'm just making excuses because I'm feeling a bit embarrassed.
Ah! I shall make you a DUNCE hat and stick you in the corner! 
Not really. Just forget about it. It's OK because it's the Internet. For all anyone thinks they know, you might have just been playing or considering things or thinking out aloud - rather, typing thoughts online.
Something I learned over time is that often in life, there is no closure. Things like breakups happen for all sorts of dumb reasons, all sorts of crimes go unpunished, people often don't get the things they feel they deserve. Everyone is driven by their feelings, no matter what logic they use to rationalise it; and often, while feelings are there for a reason and might have some purpose, they're chaotic. That's why closure often only exists in accepting that things simply are the way they are. Even if people decide to change something, it didn't change because it was "meant" to change, but rather, because people's feelings or logic told them to change it, and those feelings and the logic that follows simply are the way they are. No matter how people rationalise things, or try to romanticise the reality they live in, the reality doesn't care; it doesn't care what anyone thinks or believes in, and merely enacts cause and effect, ad nauseam. The best anyone can do to find closure, is to come to terms with that.
By changing accounts or not changing accounts but distancing yourself from here? Then where will you go, what will you do? Elsewhere, other things? Start again? Lose all the progress and things you've made here? (I have no authourity over you, but)I demand that you stay! (Please? big puppy-dog eyes)
Would you find closure if...
No idea. You share what you want; there is zero need nor requirement to share anything. If you don't want to share the details of the outcome, then that's entirely your decision and prerogative. Whether I/we get closure or not makes zero difference to your own life and decisions and abilities and advancement, etc. I/we might be nosey and some of us opinionated - or in a positive way, I am considering the tapestry of the JoS and its members and their evolution from this to that - but we can see this progression and movement and change and we can use that to encourage ourselves for betterment. Like we can bounce off each other; being greater than the sum of our parts. Partly the reason for closure - being nosey or being genuine - is because it has been brought-up on the forum, and it is a known phenomenon and an extremely important one at that; it is, in my opinion, that a follow-through of some details - if OK with you/another person considering this to share details - so others can learn more, would be welcome. The JoSM is like an encyclopaedia in the making, a continually-written encyclopaedia, with all sorts of opinions, learning, advice, teaching, recipes (not food necessarily), methods, etc., etc., etc.
Even if I stuck around and revealed one of these outcomes, or perhaps another outcome which I didn't mention, it's not like anyone here would be happy or sad for me, right?
Maybe in a way, but does that matter? Why/why not? For me personally, I can't connect with people online. We might be a virtual family online but also blood-related through Satan (I'm White), but the Internet is too impersonal for me. Does any of this matter to you? Is it important if others were happy or sad for you after the results?
So, what kind of closure are you really looking for? Is it even something I can give you?
What if the outcome I revealed to you ends up being one you don't really like? Wouldn't that give you the opposite of closure, then?
I'm trying to lighten the mood a bit. No, not to make fun, so please don't think that. I don't want to say "chill out" or "calm down" because they tend to make things worse, but (Yes "but"; how else, other than its sibling "however", could the sentence continue with a connecting word?!) it doesn't matter if I/we have closure or not. I was/am tying to ease tension a bit. It didn't come across well, because online is sh*t and emotionless.
If I simply disappear, then other people can come up with their own gossip about me. The "truth" of what happened to me, can then be anything people want it to be. Don't you think that would give people far more closure than the actual truth?
Quite probably, but - and I can't speak for others - until you came and told us results; even if "your husband" came here (someone else pretending to be him) and claimed things, I still wouldn't be 100% about it... but still - your personal life is your own, you reveal and don't reveal what you want. I am just considering the 'tapestry' and 'encyclopaedia' of JosM and the 'evolution' of members, while trying to not make the tension worse.
Many years ago, when I'd just started wearing skirts in public and my breasts were still quite small and I looked a bit more masculine, gay guys would sometimes hit on me, complimenting me and saying I looked really hot. Then, when I introduced myself, they would be like, "Ugh, just another tranny. I'm disappointed now." Then I would chuckle at how awkward that was, and somehow befriend them anyway. I had a whole group of friends I met that way; I'd bake muffins for them and they'd share their exotic blends of mead with me, and we'd hang out in a park and used the leftovers to play with the pigeons. We ended up drifting apart after a couple years though.
Stereotyping, I'd say they just were after one thing, at least initially. People can be so stubborn, and change can be virtually impossible for them. From what I can tell about a lot of 'the gay scene', it's all fake and artificial, so FABYOOLOOUUUSSSSSSS!! and retarded. If that is somewhat the case with these who you just mentioned, then no wonder they didn't stay your friends. It's all pretence and glitter.
I've been hanging out mainly with heterosexual people ever since I started dating my fiancé; there's just something soothing to me about the "normality" of it all, and being a part of that. I haven't had a gay friend in years, but it seems to this day I still enjoy talking to them when I get the chance. I think they're often rather unusual people, but in an interesting, good way.
Well, I'm bi but lean more gay, so even though I expect you were not referring to me at all, I'll take that as a compliment!
If they're that charming, then I've got to wonder where all the hate came from. It pervades my past life memories.
I presume it was lies upon lies told, with (now) "education" and media and - in the in-group of fabyolousss-ness and similar things - peer-pressure. Small bits and pieces of a person's opinion and reactions and behaviours feed into others, especially if they are receptive; these small things build-up over time - take care of the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves. Before they know it, they're prejudiced and hateful, possibly without realising why. e.g. (I just made this up)
A: I don't like rap or other Black music.
B: That's racist.
A: Why?
B: Because you said you don't like Black music.
A: So? I don't like some White music.
B: Yeah, but you're White so that's not racist.
A: How many times do Black people listen to White music? They're racist.
In other words, people don't think; they respond just like a knee-jerk reaction. I think they've associated ANYTHING that is mentioned "Black" with "racism"; for the hatred against you, the association must be similar - but don't forget, in history it was very christianised, so any of that ignorance and retardedness was so much more greater. It may be incorrect or wrong or dirty or 'sinful' (not in a christian sense) or whatever to have a "sex change operation". Why not go further and get a pig's tail or elephant's trunk installed? Yeah, it's over-the-top nonsense, but still - why not? Maybe that's why people hated the intersex things; these days, education has to be done to make people accept intersex things. Why do people/sheeple need to be force-brainwashed into accepting things? Well, 1) they don't need to be; because 2) it is the jew who needs them to be; and 3) they don't need to be because they understand, either consciously and/or unconsciously, things already.
Meteor said:
I realised the last bit of my previous reply to you might be a bit confusing, since I mentioned before that I dislike alcohol; also, I was 17 years old at the time, so I wasn't supposed to drink according to the law. Basically, when I explained to them that I don't like alcohol, they told me: "This stuff tastes really good, it's nothing like beer or wine. You don't have to if you really don't want to, but feel free to take a sip from my drink if you feel like it, just to try it." They each brought their own bottle and glass and I took a small sip from each of them. It was some of the sweetest stuff I ever tasted.
Also, considering they were into my looks, why I didn't just stop transitioning right there and then so that I could be their type? Basically, none of them were my type. One was extremely skinny but kind, another was a plain-looking druggie who made somewhat creepy jokes, and the third one whom I met through the others was very short but had a nice beard. I prefer guys who are tall and burly, as well as mentally stable (in other words, not a druggie).
That increases my thoughts that they were just after one thing (at least initially).
I've never actually met a particularly burly gay guy, do you happen to know if they're out there?
Stereotypically - in p*rn and media (all about power/control and reducing power/control thereof), yeah, but in actual Physicality? It's more difficult to tell. On an online forum/chat room there was someone who seemed dominant and probably way too much for a lot of people, overpowering, etc., who appeared to be well-endowed. I think these types might be more private, either straight with girlfriends/wives and only play separately (secretly?) from that; or stick to others of their type, e.g. rugby players, iron-pumpers, etc; while those I have seen offline and others online can be either the opposite or not quite the same. I think it depends on culture and environment, as well. Of course, I am not going to say what type I am.
Meteor said:
Superfluous or superficial? All those confident words, for what? At the end of the day, I'm still so deeply affected by this.
Things don't change overnight. They won't, either. I am sure you know this.
I like to face my problems head on. But every time I try to face this at all, I become more aware of the part of my body that I hate, and nowadays even just that is enough for me to get completely overwhelmed by horrifyingly intense feelings of agony; and then I give in to the usual escapism because it's just too much.
I'd understand it if you were born with a pig's tail and/or elephant's trunk, but being born with Natural Human Body parts... and hating them? Why?! (I apologise profusely for what I am about to say, but) were you not born this way?! You were born with these parts, how and why did you begin to hate them, then feel so worse-than-uncomfortable about them?
I can't even describe it with words. Contrary to asking my fiancé for help, all I could mutter to him when he was worried about me, is that a particular part of my body just feels so horribly wrong, that it isn't supposed to be like this, and I started crying again; so he calmed me down by holding me tightly, and reminding me that it'll change soon... which helped, but not in the sense of making any progress.
Maybe I misunderstand... but I'm sorry but I disagree. You were born with these Natural things; changing them is not a good thing to do. These things are not wrong; they are a part of you, they are yours and a part of who you are, what makes you you. Scientifically, we're all Girls until some of the tiny little pieces in the womb decide to make some of us Boys ("in the absence of a penis, one is Female"). You shouldn't change these things; you should accept you, who you are.
I'm not a counsellor or therapist, but while being ignorant of what's what, I am thinking maybe you were 'sissified' and forced to believe you were supposed to be a Girl... by someone older than you, when you were younger, and this was fed repeatedly and forcefully for such a long time. Presuming that I am wildly incorrect, why are these beliefs within you? No offence, but your partner reiterating and reinforcing these things makes them stronger, as well. Who is FancyMancy and anyone from JoSM to say "you're not supposed to chop your bits off and replace them with other bits"? We're no-one to you, certainly not close, emotional nor intimate with you, nor (somewhat) important to you. Who cares what strange strangers online say?
Even just remembering how I felt yesterday makes me unable to breathe normally out of terror. If I had to face this 40 days in a row, I would not only lose my mind, but I would be further traumatised by the experience to such an extent that any chance I might still have at getting over this would most likely be completely destroyed afterwards.
I know/have known of some individuals, Male and Female, who have been abused sexually when younger/growing up. If they were to do the 40-day Muñka working, and possibly repeat those 40 days, I can't imagine how extremely difficult, to say the least, it would be for them. I would suggest doing a 1-day Muñka working, either with low repetitions (e.g. just 9) or perhaps one with a higher number of repetitions, but just for 1 day. See how that goes. If that was bad, but not too bad, then leaving it for 7 days, to prepare oneself to do it again. If it was too bad, then leave it a bit longer, or push yourself slightly, just a bit. After that time, do it the same, no more, no less. Leave it another 7 days... and so on, like that. Do this for weeks or months, until it is less-difficult, then try changing either to a higher number of reps and 7 days, or same number of reps for 6 days, or higher number of reps for 6 days, then repeat that for weeks or months until that is OK... then increase slowly likewise.
Yeah, it will be so difficult (not that you need to be told), but - as I say - start lowly and slowly, and also have a read, or re-read, of the coins analogy - scroll down to about half-way, my Fri 12 Feb, 2021 post and the paragraphs after. Say these bad things, anxiety, fears, etc., are copper coins; you need to replace them with silver and gold, etc., coins instead. It's OK if you know this already, but it's also OK to be reminded and encouraged positively.
The most I can do is a general working to try to help the situation indirectly, but I doubt that alone will be enough to lead to any significant changes.
Might I suggest a pre-Muñka working, then? I wouldn't want to make an example working, because each person who has gone through such bad difficulties I think would need it tailored for their own, so a general working might not be good enough. Maybe an affirmation such as NOT saying "my fears", etc. - "[In a safe, secure, positive, beneficial... way for me] any and all [of the] [fears, anxieties...] regarding ___ are [minimal, quashed, nullified, cancelled...]. These [fears/anxieties...] are [ineffective, incapable of bothering me...]. I am confident and comfortable and in control, so as to do my Muñka workings fully and properly until actual completion."
At this rate, any direct attempts at coming to terms with my body are bound to fail and backfire until after I've already changed it. So much for expanding my options, if this is the extent of my resolve...
You keep affirming and reaffirming, iterating and reiterating, (erm, peating? and) repeating (get my point?!) that, so that it becomes true. Change the sh*tty bronze coins, dear! Seriously, change them for better things. Only you can - and yes, must - do that - but only you can; and you can.
I feel like giving in after all. Even if there are many people out there who would never accept my decision if they knew, and even it if will complicate other matters in the process of simplifying the ones that seem important to me right now, at least I'll know that I did what I could, physically. Will that give me the resolve I need to face myself? I hope it does.
Yeah, there's always hope. Heh.
My failure to find another way is only the result of my own shortcomings; or perhaps the odds were against me to begin with, to an extent greater than anyone could handle. Don't hold it against yourself, Blitzkreig. You did what you could, and I did learn from many of the things you wrote, even if I turned out to be less capable than I thought. I guess jrvan was right: I'm weak. A few unusual abilities or successful workings doesn't change that, if I'm still this sensitive and avoidant deep down.
You listen to negative things, instead of positive things? Those copper coins, man... They're hardly worth anything. You're better-off with other, better things, instead.
